not like last time =(

Things weren't like last time dy...

last time we used to chat happily...but ever since dat day a slight miscommunication occured...our conversation turned cold dy...

i wonder hw r u? r u okay? hv u eaten? r u out wit ur frenz?

i hope u r fine...

but its as if everything changed for some reasons...

y r guys so...i duno...dey jz make a decision without giving any good reason...sometimes dey cnt come out wit a reason too...

i dun wan anything else...i jz wana b frenz wit u...jz a good fren...

i hope u dun misunderstand =(

i knw i couldnt b wit u...datz y i decided to jz b frenz... =)

safe n no risk...

i hope we cn b good frenz like laz time...sharing n tagging picz n videos...itz fun...n itz nice to c u smile....

god bless u... =) baka...u're oways a good fren of mine...take care

it hurts......

i wish i'd knew what i was doing...
i missed you so much...
i cnt live without u calling me baka...i got used 2 it dy...in fact...i dont mind
but it seems as if what im doing ain't blooming ><
i know its dumb but whenever u tag me cute pictures of catz...i feel so touched...no one has ever done dat b4...i think itz cute although itz jz a simple gesture...
u were always there for me when i was bored or feeling down...u would show me funny videos to cheer me up...you would even tease me...
n in d end i had feelings towards u...n i even admitted to u...
but...
you still missed your ex...when i asked if u had a chance to get bk wit her...u said u will...my heart crumbled...
n dat day i was sick...u told me u were worried n u cared...when i was feeling down...u were worried what happened to me...
my ex kept looking for me...n i felt terrified n scared...i felt hurt at d same time...cnt stop crying...
n when i thought of u...tears dropped even more...
im nt sure whether i was doing the right thing...whether i made d right decision that i chose you...
i kp asking myself everyday...
cuz...i wasnt d 1 in ur heart right now...i understand dat...i told myself that im gonna give you more time...i knw hw u feel...i felt like dat b4...time can only heal...
n i dont knw hw itz going 2 end up...
i wish all d best to you...
im sorry for saying sorry to you...
i dont knw y...i jz felt guilty for telling u dat i missed u...
i jz wish dat u're by my side now...but i dont think u'll knw dat...n i dun think that u'll knw dat i missed u...
i dun dare to open my mouth...all i did was wait wait n wait...
was it worth waiting?...i told myself dat it will be worth it...
n i will wait...i will...
all i cn do nw is pray n wait...
i want u 2 be happy with your decision...n i will wait for the right answer 1 day...
i cnt get u outta my mind...i nw itz blind but...
datz hw i feel...i cnt lie to myself n i dun wana lie 2 u...
i cnt help it...
but no matter what...i will stay strong n wait...
i will...

1st thing in d morning a tremendous headache struck me...i was in great pain...holy! my whole body ache like hell...i hv no idea wat happened until i realised i was coming down wit a fever...nw dat sucks ==
i slept n rested d whole day...n didnt eat a single food until my k jie forced me 2 eat den i ate...huhu T.T
i had a weird dream though....
i dreamt of my hometown...n even worse...i dreamt of my ex...we were holding hands just like in d park...n omg...i hv no idea wats happening...all of a sudden...i jz wanna get bk 2 sabah...i rili miss d moments....i miss my hometown...although derz no reason 4 me 2 go bk...i dun hv any place 2 stay either...
all i did was jz stare at d atmosphere while siting at d balcony...eventhough itz freaking cold...but i didnt care...
everytime wen i stare bk at d necklace...i cn feel my eyes start 2 water...i jz 2 get d feelings off me...
i knew he wud find someone after me...n it was true...his status was stated single but he was in a relationship wit my k mei...i was a little disapointed...but datz wat happened wen i was wit him...
he cheated me n had 4 distance relationship gf...he nvr admitted but all his smses said so...i still rmb dat time i kept everything inside me n nvr dared 2 express it out until i burst 1 day...it sucks...
i knw he hates me nw...i cnt blame him n he cnt blame me...i was angry until i threw our ring with our names carved on it as his b'day present...all of it...keychains, necklace n small gifts...i threw it all...i didnt wan 2 remind about d past...it hurts alot
wen i woke up...i tot everything rewinded bk...but it was jz a dream...but gawd it seems so real ><><
gawd...i nd 2 rest...ciao ~

why?

u r d 1st 2 make me believe in love...
u r d 1st who gave me d confidence 2 love..
u r d 1st 2 who understands my situation..
n most incredibly..for all my life, stil u r d only person who can read my expression...can read my face..behind all diz laughter n smiles..y? hw do u do dat? n how do u knw?
u can read me...how n y?
many ppl cnt read d expressions on my face...all i did everyday was jz smile n laugh...i couldnt help it..but wen u told me dat u could read my sorrow..n d words dat u told me before...i was shock...dumbfounded...u knew...u knew hw i felt..n u knew y i kept everything in my heart..u knew d reason..u r nt me...u r nt god...but y?
y did u treat me extremely good wen i jz treated u like a normal fren?..
y did u wipe of d stain off my face wit ur bare hands wen u knew u hated being dirty?
y did u sacrifice ur files 2 prevent me getting soaked under d rain?
y did u walk all d way 2 my house jz 2 get me food wen i didnt even tell u dat im hungry but actually i was?
y did u hold my hands wen we cross d road?
y did u cry for me wen i was crying on d inside but nt d outside?
y did ur ears turn red wen u saw me in a dress for d 1st time?
y did u make me so confuse?
n most importantly...y did u leave?
itz been 2 years...u knw...2 years!!
do u knw hw long was dat? n hw cme im d last 1 2 knw?
u had diz thing growing in u...n y didnt u tell me?
u cud read my body language n my expressions but i cudnt read yours...
u were oways laughing, smiling, playing around, teasing me n trying 2 make happy n i nvr realized d pain dat u went through...
y didnt u jz tell me?
i feel like such a fool...im soo disapointed of myself...i failed 2 read u...but u read me so easily..
u ever once told me dat we r jz like novels..all d words r written on our face..all we nd 2 do is jz read den we will knw d contents...
u knew hw much i love novels n we hv d same interest in music n arts..i still rmb u drawing a potrait of me..but u wudnt gv it 2 me..
u ever told me dat i was d only person who cud gv him d warmth dat he has nvr experienced...
u ever told me dat i was d only girl who meant so much 2 u...
i jz kept quiet...at 1st i was afraid 2 love until d words dat u said gained my confidence n i tolf myself i was ready..
u said u hv something 2 gv me on x'mas..derz still 2 months 2 go on dat time...2 me 2 months passed like 2 weeks so i didnt mind n said ok...
d next week u told me dat u r going 2 migrate 2 australia 2 further ur studies...i cried on d spot...but comforted me n told me dat u will b bk on x'mas 2 gv me d surprise dat u promised me...i nodded...i trusted u
2 months ltr...i waited 4 ur answer...wer 2 meet? wat time? n wat should we wear? i hv a give for u too...
i still rmb on d 28th... u havent appeared...something was wrong...i cud sense it...i couldnt call ur house n u nvr replied my emails..nt even my calls...wats happening?im soo confused...u asked me 2 wait...i waited...but wer r u? do u knw hw much i missed u dat time? u ever once told me hw much u loved clovers..i bought a pair of it...pure jade..i wanted 2 gv u dat...n all i cn do is jz kp it...nobody knws about it...nt even my mum...
i was angry at u..u made me disapointed...u said on dat day u wanted 2 tell me something...n u said u wanted 2 watch d stars wit me...n u said u wanted my life 2 better after on dat day...i already hv d idea on wat ur gonna ask on dat day...i was rili happy at dat time...i couldnt wait in fact...
i waited...n in d end i gave up...wen i asked ur frenz, dey said u migrated n had a new gf perhaps..i felt cheated, ashamed of myself...angry n disapointed...cried in d toilet..it hurts..
but nw...itz been 2 years...u received an email diz morning...an invitation 2 ur 2nd anniversary...i tot u got married or something but it wasnt...it was a funeral...
wat actually happened 2 u??? y m i d last 1 2 knw? i tot u said u wud tell me everything?
y did u lie 2 me? y did u say u migrated 2 australia wen u actually got admitted 2 ICU???
bryan told me ur tumour spread 2 ur nervous system..u got paralysed n fainted..u asked bryan 2 swear nt 2 tell me anything...but y? u're afraid dat i might cry or commit suicide or something?
bryan said after 3 days u left...wich was a week after u contacted me...i tot u didnt wan me anymore...but it wasnt...d 1st thing dat happened 2 me wen i read d email was cry...bryan found my email in ur previous chest at d attic in inanam...i cnt believe u still kept my hp number dat i wrote on a mcd receipt wen u asked me out on d 1st time...
i tot wat u told me was jz a joke...but it wasnt...plz...
y did u leave me hanging like diz?
2 years n i was d laz 1 2 knw...n no 1 wanted 2 admit...hw many ppl hv u tell dem 2 swear nt 2 tell me? even ur parents?
bryan told me u wanted 2 gv me my potrait...d 1 dat u hv drawn..dat i hv wanted for ages...n attached 2 it was a love letter...u plan 2 ask a chance frm me dat time... but b4 x'mas u were already admitted 2 hospital...around september...
i hv no idea y i cud stil smile wen deep inside me im so hurt..sometimes i cud feel ur presence around me...protecting me or something...i missed u...no one has ever did such adorable things 2 me like dat...nt even my exes...i feel so ashamed for blaming u..
rumours were heard dat d potrait was buried wit u...i wish i cud find bk d clover...but eversince i moved i nvr brought it wit me...i tot it wasnt meaningful anymore...i was a fool 2 believe d negative rumours bout u hooking up wit a girl or something...but it was too late...
i hv no idea wat 2 do nw...all i cn do is cry while reading d email n remembering all d memories dat u hv given me...y must u make it so sweet?
we nvr had a chance 2 start but u hv already left..for 2 years u hv left...u left me behind...u nvr said goodbye...
d last word u said was "goodnight kitty..c u in my dream..missed u..n dont 4get 2 miss me"..i laughed...i tot it was a joke or something...but ur words made me so happy till i cnt fell aslp dat night...u're stronger den caffeine n paracetamol..
u're like my medicine 2 everything..
i still miss u...but im nt sure if u're looking after me frm d above...god is protecting u...n i knw u hv been protecting me as well..
i wanted 2 c u...i wanted 2 hold u...but my tears wudnt let me..i cnt even hold u..
is diz d end of our novel? or jz d starting?
all i wanted 2 say was i love u...eventhough u wont b able 2 hv a chance 2 read diz blog..my feelings...hw i felt diz few years...but deep in my heart...from d bottom of my brokenheart...i will oways rmb ur sweet gesture...d memories dat u left behind...
condolescence...
bless eu...
remember me...

weird week? ==

mmmm..
sori didnt write for diz few days...
but kinda happy...after all diz few days have passed..
kinda nice...a lil sweet?
lolx...(face red) eek >< i duno hw 2 express dat...hahax passed up my assignments n was relieved...thk god...n i got "A's" >w< wee~ celebrated wit my frenz n was rili satisfied wit my work...hahax lucky d lecturer liked my idea...sigh stil remembered d mcd part...so sweet...winston, ah loon n zack n I went 2 mcd 4 supper...lolx i wasnt hungry so i jz ate d apple pie while 3 of dem grabbed d GCB... (golden ci bai?) omg...bad word hahax XDDD i saw d happy meal toy...nt exactly a toy but a plushy..so cute n itz a sugarbunny...i wanted 2 take d happy meal but i was scared i couldnt finish it so i took d apple pie instead...suddenly @@ zack said he wasnt full n he went over 2 d counter...i tot he ordered something else but wen he came bk...happy meal @@ omg he gave me d sugarbunny...n i was eyeing d white one n he got d white one i was like eeeeekkkk >w< i was like over d moon XD so sweet...n dat damn winston n ah loon kp eyeing both of us n kp tou tou xiao == yea...smart la u guys == lolx n at D'mamak...winston n ah loon! y u guys kp teasing me?? T.T huhu...eeeyer...so paiseh la...oways sengaja make my face red2 de >< eeekkk... but...d feeling is nt strong yet...nt rili der yet...lolx...wat cn i say? im gonna move soon...currently at d 3rd floor gonna move 2 d 8th floor lolx...i wonder hw im gonna move my stuff == hope d guys cud lend a hand...den ltr blanja makan XD wakaka... but paiseh la if i ask dem... >< mm...diz few days rili like ghost la...slp so late...i mean soooooo early...hahax... XD if u get wat i meant... n haix...stupid guys...kp calling n kp smsing me...as if im 7-eleven or something n kp asking me fei hua n stupid nonsense == ish if u got other motif dun come luk 4 again...if u wanna tell me something tell properly la...u dun go fili fala der cn o nt?make me headache weh == so noisy...n childish...eeee ><>
(run away) >

silence is gold?

im nt sure if it's a gud idea 2 tell it out here...
i knw he doesnt read my blog...jz a guess but datz wat i assume so i guess im gonna write it all here...
but izit a gud choice? i duno...i've been feeling rili weird diz few dayz...not jz my mood but feelingz...
im nt sure...i havent told any1 yet...nt a single soul...i knw some ppl might think itz some1 close 2 me or perhaps my past...but maybe both of it might not b it...
i duno hw 2 express it...all i knw is whenever im alone or walking alone or doin watever alone...i will start thinking bout it...
i've oways asked myself whether it might happen or nt?
will it EVER happen?
i hate diz feeling...i duno y i hate being left alone diz few days...i duno y all of a sudden diz happened...
sometimes my eyes wud jz prick a tear or wud day dream all of a sudden...
i knew diz isnt deppression...i had dat once n it didnt felt like diz...but diz was different...
i assume most of d ppl reading diz wud nt understand wat im trying 2 say...becuz i havent told any1 about diz...
hw long cn i smile like diz? hw long will it take 2 get bk? hw long? n y?
i've oways wished 4 a respond from you...but...nt even a reply...im not even sure whether i might get 2 share so much n meet u again...i decided 2 leave d circle...i wasnt meant 2 b in it...i wasnt supposed 2 b....im nt part of it...im d oddest...yeah i am...
i had diz feeling dat... dat it wud nt happen...wat i've dreamt...n wat i've imagines...silly me...itz jz an imagination n im already thinking dat way...psycho ==
maybe....maybe i shud jz stay silent...do my own stuff...no no no nt mourning..itz jz...jz trying 2 make myself 2 4get diz feelings....
becuz...
i've fallen...
i fell...
n itz hard 2 describe diz heart beating stuff...
im sori i was weird...n day by day...sigh...
i was a nuisance i was a pain i was a chatterbox...i talked too much...y cnt i jz zip it...omg
i've ruined myself...
i was right...i shouldnt tell...i've made diz mistake before...n i thought being honest wud hv itz positive effects...not...it turned out way bad...freaked out...
1st mistake...nvr a 2nd...i dun wan dat 2 happen again...
i vow nvr 2 tell...unless...if u ask...only u...i wont answer any1 except u...but...it all depends...2nd mistake...how long will dat occur?
n wen will be it?
hw i wish i cud jz predict d future...so i'd knw wat might happen...but life wudnt b fair like dat...i knw god hv his own way of leading our lives...
im trying 2 believe it...trying 2 smile...trying 2 stop diz tearz..
n i hope...dat 1 day u will b d 1 who will catch diz tearz of mine...b der 2 be my warmth n shelter...n 2 b d apple of my eye...
d 1 n only...
no 1 will understand n no 1 cud guess...if u happen 2 read diz...i dun think u might itz u...i dun think u might know wat im trying 2 tell...like i said im weird...stupid...a pin in d neck...a nuisance...a freak...
i jz wish i cud tell u diz...but i cnt...ur expressions...u oways dun luk happy 2 c me around...u're oways busy...n u sound annoyed...
i duno y...i jz hv diz feeling but im nt sure if itz true cuz i've oways had diz 6th sense n im oways asking myslf whther i shud trust it o nt...
no wonder silence is gold....
n i will kp 2 dat...
vowed...
im out ~

misunderstandingz.... ==

eek... ><
managed 2 complete most of my assignments in time...wohoo..gud job miyuki...
sienz everyday stay at home...rili sienz...2bad im d more outgoing type of person...rather hang out with my frenz...but nt 2 doz hen lan d places la...even chit chatting or mamaking is more den enuf XD i love spending time wit frenz...
mayb i shud cut down on supper...roti telur ==
soon im gonna gain weight...n by dat time nobody wud wan me...wakaka...
dat wud b a disaster T.T werz my prince? traffic jam belum sampai ah?lolx...weirdo ==
winston n clarence used 2 kp reviving d topics about zavk ==
omg...wat is going on around here ==
n nw itz alferh's turn...adui...winston oh winston...y u go brainwash alferh ah? ><
haix...i truly dun understand y diz is happening...i cnt even feel dat he has feelings 2wards me o nt...n dat wud nvr happen 4 god sake...y r u guys oways imagining things d other way round...if he shows interest den mayb itz diff la...but he didnt lor...so dun kp talking bout it...makes me feel weird n YEAH i dun believe it even if u guys kp saying it...i'd oni believe it if he said it frm his own mouth...n dat will link to 1 word = IMPOSSIBLE ==
u guys r driving me crazy... ==
do nt talk d impossible... XD whoa sounds like mission impossible... ==
i hope he doesnt read diz...oopz...cuz i assume dat he wud nvr wanna read my blog...wat a guess ==
diz is lame ==
childish la...ish...stop reviving d topics...diam2 ubi fan shu...n jz do ur assignments...guai guai good...
== haix lolx...
disaster weh if he knew u guys kp reviving such topics...weird2 de ==
apa punya bro == ( eek >< )
looking 4 glass bottle 4 my bottle design...diz is gonna b hard...free hand drawing in d glass bottle...if itz printing it might luk neater but free hand drawing especially acrylic on glass is nt a good option...messy n static...but datz wat d teacher wants T.T
y must it b part of d rules...ish ==
omg...hv been slping rili late...becoming a nite ghost soon...cnt believe it...slept rili late n stil cn wake up early in d morn...no wonder diz few days i've been feeling a lil cranky n wires r a lil out of order...kinda electrocuted ==
geesh...omg...stop asking me ><>
stop calling me n smsing me ><
stop alarming me n talking endless nonsense 2 me...itz nt dat i dun wanna hear...u're losing 2 much of my time == i'd rather work out on my assignments n hang out wit my frenz den listening 2 all ur lame excuses bout diz n dat...i didnt even ask n u're already talking 2 urself all d way down d lane...i cnt believe im still facing lectures in entertainment world...argh...u're spoiling it ><
i jz wanna hv fun but appreciate life at d same time... >w<
wee~

same as usual.....==

finished a few assignments...but more wud pop out...i hv no idea wen i wud meet d fullstop ==
drawing is my passion...but too much of it wud seriously drive me mad..especially wen it comes to brainstorming...
hv been hanging out at winston's place lately..with zavk n ah lun...enjoyed watching dem completing their assignments...somehow i find it rather fun n peaceful hanging out der rather den staying at home n facing d same old thing...if u get wat i mean ==
haix...weekend was nvr fun..so i didnt actually bear dat in mind...was oways hoping 4 better...
monday nite i had a long chat wit zavk...it cured my boredomness n at d same time i somehow get 2 knw more bout him...it was fun...like a storybook or something...we shared a lot...didnt expected dat...
winston n ah lun were funny wen dey played snooker...i was like sitting behind wit zavk..we both chatted while dey both played n it was damn funny...their butts kp facing me wen dey wanted 2 aim 4 d balls...i was like sweat ==|||...
diz few days, hv been up till d early morn...panda + cat = ??? ==
pandat?pancat? == lolx
haix...wil b facing my midterm test diz thursday...hope 4 d best...
dry media assignments r also due on thursday...friday's d worst...final artwork 4 pepsi...eek...havent finalised my design yet...derz jz too much 2 choose..nt sure wich 2 finalised...eekk...
hope my drawings cud atleast fascinate d lecturer ..even a bit might lighten me up...i dun wanna c d sour look on his face...especially after he saw drawings dat were drawn by my mates..he luks pissed all d time wnever its their turn...so reminding myself 2 b oways 1st 2nd or 3rd in line...nvr in between or behind...dun wanna b d last 2 cry T.T
lolx...God Bless Me!!... >w

will diz life be changed?

've oways thought of having a better life...but perhaps nt at diz time...n i realized i've actually gotten used 2 my bz and hectic life...some of my frenz still couldnt cope..maybe time might heal dem..
cls was ok...but funny incidents did happen diz 2day..during lecture...my frenz n i kept laughing over diz "goldfish" guy who suddenly came 2 hug us jz 2 get in2 d picture...awkward but it did freaked my fren out...she was seriously terrified n her expressions did make me laugh till my face went all red like a tomato XD
wen i went bk after cls...i hungout arnd winston's n zavk's plce...started drawing my sketches but was lost of ideas wen i drew halfway...mind blocked..==
i was at their balcony n it started 2 drizzle..something popped up in my mind again...i started 2 grew quiet all of a suddent...was thinking of something but wen i try 2 ask myself wat was i thinking? diz thoughts kinda jz disappear like dat..diz has been happening eversince i came 2 KL..memories?past?wen will my mind get over it...especially during rainy days...
my frenz told me dat i might need some1 2 talk to...lonesome is wat dey usualy describe me behind doz laughter n happy face.."how did u manage to cover all dat?" == ...i seriously duno hw 2 answer dem...i dun wan other ppl 2 get d wrong idea...n i dun wan 2 make any1 worried...it makes me feel guilty at d same time..i dun wan dem 2 think dat i "minta kesian"...dats nt wat i wan...i wanted life 2 b normal...i hate ppl thinking like dat..think d wrong n negative way..
zavk had a long chat wit me at d balcony...it was kinda of a nice chat..shared alot though...
had supper ltr wit ah lun, winston & zavk...ah klun n winston wanted 2 play snooker but it was full so d plan was kinda out of line...so we went bk 2 melati...dey played pool n it was kinda humourous...competing against each other..hahax...
went bk n tried 2 slp but i cnt so i started fb-ing n msn-ing 2 pass my time...updating my blog...haix...i feel like wanna breath some fresh air...get out n hv some fun instead of staying at home all day like im trapped in jail doin my assignments all day long...seriously it sux...although i like drawing...but i cnt brainstorm wen im nt out.. i wish i cud c more things around my place here...
i wish i cud learn more...itz nice 2 hv frenz like winston n zavk...unfortunately clarence found a job n moved out dy..kinda sad..T.T
4 ppl had commented bout my thoughts dy...nt a typical 18 yr old...i sound mre older den dat... == omg...especially 2 doz who had lotsa heart 2 heart talk wit me...eek ><
i dun wanna sound old...i dun wanna b ah po ==
diffrnt ppl hv diffrnt points of view n comments..was dat n insult or a complimet? T.T ouch...lolx

robotic...==

life has oways been busy like this...

kinda got used to it...no fair...my frenz get to go out n gai2...eek...i wanna join...but den my assignments wont let me T.T

completed a few assignments early...wee~

wpnt hv 2 worry dat much ltr...sketching 4 dry media wine glass & designing pepsi...

lolx...im outta ideas...all comments will be like "i want something special"...

we did lotsa research but stil he's nt satsfied...hmm ==

jia you....

laz nite whole day at fud court...doin assignments n guessed wat...it rained...scary T.T

ltr at nite hang out at my frenz hse...did resume der voila...cnt believe i did dat in an hour time...wakaka...

felt hungry n went 4 supper at genting kelang...zavk drove us anyway...kelian he told me dat "when he's a driver, will oways b a driver" lolx ==

pity him...i cn imagine hw much he needed 2 spend 4 his petrol...it must hv hurt his wallet...dey were seriously super duper nice 2 me...chatted a lot n yeah i liked d atmosphere but i feel weird cuz i wasnt suppose 2 b wit their cycle...

winston designed a packaging for an instant noodle i guess..

dey were rili nice to me but den i feel like im a lightbulb or kelefeh or some sort...

eek...i rather mine my own stuff...shouldnt b such a troublemaker...

...............==

meow?